Humanity seeks. Our endless quest for knowledge and understanding has led us out of the primordial pudding and into every corner of the Earth and into the outreaches of space. We have tracked Bigfoot, cleaned out the Pyramids and hunted for D.B. Cooper's cash. Even with our Smithsonian bent we have yet to discover one great and elusive mystery:
Republican leadership. Where is it? A recent gathering of high-ranking conservatives in New Orleans brings us no closer to the answer. Judging from that pep rally, there are three basic categories of Republican leadership. There are the pea-brains, there are the broken records, and there are the shrieking shrews.
Newt Gingrich is a good example of a broken record. Glenn Beck is clearly a pea-brain. Sarah Palin is a shrieking shrew. Michelle Bachmann, that rare jewel, is an amalgam of all three.
One really has to wonder who the next presidential candidate will be. So far, the roster of hopefuls reads like a list of B actors, washouts and losers of past races. Mitt Romney couldn't get past the rudimentary stages of the 2oo8 Republican primary. Sarah Palin sank the McCain ticket like the human torpedo that she is.
Rudy Giuliani isn't interested because he knows America isn't interested in him. Gingrich has more baggage than an airline conveyor belt. Mike Huckabee is what the U.S. Navy would call an LST (large, slow target). Bobby Jindahl fumbled and fidgeted like a fifth-grader in his last turn in the national spotlight.
Mike Pence of Indiana? Okay. Eric Cantor of North Carolina? He'd be the embodiment of the Washington Generals against Barack Obama's Harlem Globetrotters. Am I missing anyone? Could a write-in candidate (say Porky Pig or Mickey Mouse) actually do better than this collection of misfits?
John Boehner is a blubbering mess. Mitch McConnell is one of the more confused people you will ever find holding public office. In any case, neither of them wants to leave their cocoons of Congressional power, and no wonder. That's why they're quietly recruiting Gen. David Petraeus - his record doesn't automatically paint him as a lunatic.
The GOP simply lacks leadership. Their most effective spokesmen happen to be talk-radio show hosts who seem more beholden to the masses than to the stuffed suits who hope to get elected despite their decidedly non-mainstream views. That's a good strategy for getting ratings and selling commercials, and that's about all.
Pea brains. Broken records. Shrieking shrews. Our endless pursuit of information cannot turn over anything other than that in the world of right-wing politics. That's why they're out of power today, and will remain so until they come up with something more to offer to the American people.
Who knows how long that could take? We may well find the Lost Dutchman's gold before then. At the rate they're going, conservatives would be lucky to elect a representative from Area 51. Or Loch Ness, which may be in another country, but can allegedly be seen from certain parts of Alaska.
pH 4.13.1o
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