Waiting to Inhale

One has to wonder what will be the next inculcation from the bluenoses of America. God knows they're going to have a hard time selling anything like "Winners Don't Use Drugs" anymore, with that pothead Michael Phelps having won 14 gold medals in just two Olympiads.

By now the photo of Phelps sucking on a bong at a party somewhere in South Carolina has been viewed worldwide. He had to apologize, of course, especially with so much cash on the line in the form of endorsements.

The people at Kellogg's, though, are not into forgiveness. They were the first company to sever their relationship with this exceptional athlete. That's fine as long as Kellogg's understands that, with some 40 million Americans guilty of the same thing as Phelps, they might well be facing a boycott of their own.

After all, this is a company that produces sugary foods, like Froot Loops and Pop Tarts. They market these things to little kids in the exact same fashion that put Joe Camel in purgatory - colorful cartoon characters pushing stuff that's bad for you. They've also been reprimanded repeatedly by the U.K.'s Advertising Standards Agency for overstating the health benefits of some of their products.

Half of those who compete in professional sports, by the estimates of some athletes, partake in reefer madness. Standing tallest among them would be Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, with six championship rings and six MVP trophies, the highest-scoring player in NBA history. What was that line about "winners"?

It bears mentioning that our last three presidents each smoked marijuana (as did, in all likelihood, many of the Founding Fathers). Bill Clinton was a Rhodes scholar. Barack Obama graduated first in his class from Harvard Law. Dubya, well, two out of three ain't bad.

None of this helps Phelps, who has been slapped with a token three-month suspension by USA Swimming. This comes just six months after they basked in his glory as he stood on a pedestal wrapped in freedom's flag.

They're probably worried about what the International Olympic Committee thinks. That'd be the same IOC that has been wracked by fraud and doping scandals in the recent past, whose list of corporate sponsors includes such prominent health-nuts as McDonald's and Coca-Cola.

And now the local redneck sheriff in this particular segment of South Carolina (the 7th unhealthiest state according to the latest CQ Press study and whose paramount cash crop is tobacco) wants to prosecute the world's greatest competitive swimmer. It is senseless, ridiculous, like the entire argument against cannabis has always been.

All of these people who are throwing stones at Michael Phelps today should really make better use of their glass houses. I'm thinking indoor gardening.

pH 2.o7.o9