Divine Introspection

As the first gooey blobs of oil hit the Gulf Coast beaches this week, one cannot help but wonder, why does God have it in for those Red States? After all, there are Republican governors in Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Florida. The only other state to ever suffer from an oil spill of this magnitude was Alaska (not exactly a bastion of liberalism).

The real obstructionist ass-hats in the Senate and the House also hail from those Southern states, which are also prone to hurricanes. And floods. And tornadoes.

It's funny how hurricanes never seem to strike New England. How flooding happens in Tennessee and North Dakota (Red States) but not water-rich Minnesota or Ohio (Blue States). How tornadoes will bedevil Texas and Oklahoma (Red States) but not so much Iowa or Illinois (Blue States).

Despite the fact that California exists on a shaky fault line, it has relatively few earthquakes. Hawaii, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, only very rarely suffers from a tsunami. So how could Alaska have suffered both in 1964, when an earthquake felled its cities and caused a tsunami that swept every stick of furniture off of Kodiak Island? Red State, Blue State.

Even the industrial accidents seem to plague those states than lean more conservative. They have coal mines in Pennsylvania and Maryland, but the bad accidents seem to happen more often in places like West Virginia and Kentucky. Red States. Blue States.

You hear of school shootings in places like Arkansas, Montana and Colorado, but not so much in Vermont, Rhode Island or Oregon. (Granted, Obama won Colorado in 2oo8, but Colorado was Red at the time of the Columbine tragedy, which occurred in an affluent Denver suburb.)

Doesn't anyone ever wonder why the temperatures in Arizona routinely reach the 120-degree mark in the summer - yet in next-door New Mexico, they don't? To break it down, one has to ask, why does God hate Republicans? I'm not saying that's so... I wouldn't presume. I'm saying it appears that way.

I can hazard a guess as to why. It's due to the fact that conservatives tend to take God's name in vain. That Commandment, by the way, doesn't mean "don't swear". It means not to seek your own glory with God on the front of your shield. When has any Democrat done such a thing? Every time you turn around, some Republican or other is doing exactly that.

Prayer might help. It didn't during the Civil War, though, when the Blue States had to quell the rebellion of the Red States. God let Sherman burn his way through the South with impunity despite the pleas and prayers of every plantation owner who ever flew the Stars and Bars.

Why doesn't God like Republicans? I could expound upon that but it wouldn't further my point. If you really want to know, ask Him.

pH 5.1o.1o