Odds Against All

With conservatives buzzing around the nation like angry bees, it shouldn't be too hard to figure out what they stand for. If anybody could get them to shut up for a second, that question might be put to them, but no.

Those in the spotlight (well, with the microphone) will tell you that their principles are founded in "Reagan conservatism". However, those ideas have had their day, and the result was an America that is divided and deep in debt. Voters, the last time anyone noticed, had rejected GOP policies wholesale.

That means nothing to the human bullhorns who have made themselves so noteworthy in the health-care debate. They have latched onto a certain set of false beliefs (foisted upon them by an army of misinformants), ranging from state-provided abortions to "Obama death panels", the latter irresponsibly uttered by renowned quitter Sarah Palin.

Perhaps, then, it isn't so easy to discern what the unbalanced few stand for, since they seem unable to articulate much beyond a level that only veteran kennel-keepers can decipher. Much clearer is the panoramic picture of what they are against:

Everything. Everything that the new president has proposed. Everything that the Democrats support. Everything that America has said it wants. Anything that doesn't line up with the neolithic, flagellant thought processes afflicting the roughly 23 percent of America that still identifies with conservatism.

The best example of the Ridiculous Right's pathological foot-dragging can be found in the "Cash for Clunkers" program. This gem of an idea, the subsidization of automobile trade-in values aimed at recycling older (and less fuel-efficient) cars, has created positive ripple-effects through the economy, touching everything from dealerships to steel mills to newspaper advertising desks. They're against it.

That's hardly the only place one finds this mindless opposition. Winding down the Iraq war and ramping up the one in Afghanistan in order to win it - opposed. Health care for all Americans - no way. Energy independence through renewables - impossible. Tax laws being enforced where corporations are concerned - preposterous.

They're against stimulating the economy. They're against bailouts (if that's what you want to call bankruptcy) for U.S. automakers. They're against a more well-rounded representation of the public on the Supreme Court. They couldn't even force themselves to be happy when Bill Clinton brought those two journalists home from North Korea.

This says nothing good about Republicans. Never before has our nation been disgraced by such a bitter and joyless pursuit of power. The object of a minority party in our government should be to help craft the laws with a modicum of input, not to thwart the duly elected majority's every move.

What they're doing (and many of them would proudly agree) is secession. Not a geographical secession, which was tried in the past, but an ideological one. The initial response is to say, fine, let them go; they're not exactly the life of the party anyway... But go where?

How terrible it must be for conservatives, to be trapped within the confines of this Hell-hole, these United States of America. If they just can't stand it, well, nobody's stopping them from leaving.

pH 8.1o.o9