Distant Karma

Beware, citizens, be very aware. Dark clouds gather. No place is safe. We're all a bunch of victims waiting to happen. From the loftiest perches of power to the darkest alleys, predators stalk among us. Anyone could fall.

This might be a story about Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, or disgraced football great O.J. Simpson, but no. We're talking about Boy George (the pop-icon, not the president). By this time you probably know fully well what he did. If not, please forgive the brevity of this synopsis:

After a nude photo shoot, he shackled a Norwegian male escort to his bedroom wall and flogged him with a metal chain. A Norwegian male escort! Apparently, this is a crime in London. Probably something to do with unpaid bondage tax.

Whatever the duration of his sentence, based on what he did, he should be forced to serve it at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Not in the capacity of a prisoner - rather, he should be given the title and the responsibilities of Chief Interrogator. Oh, yes, they'll talk.

Granted, he'll be dealing with the worst of the worst, the really hard-nosed terrorists. In other words, these are not Norwegians, but then neither do they have the rights of Norwegians. Using good old American latitude, we've got to break these people, especially with time running out on the Bush-Cheney game clock.

Their anti-terror plan hasn't been too successful, see, or we wouldn't still be fighting those two wars all these years after they began. Intelligence experts unanimously agree that terrorist attacks (and recruiting) have steadily risen across the world as time has passed since 9/11.

What is being done today to these detainees after they've been locked up for so long? What drastic tactics do we employ now that waterboarding is off-limits? Loud, offensive music. You know, AC/DC, Eminem, Nine Inch Nails, the Barney theme song. Seriously.

Since little else has worked, why don't we try blasting them with a new tune, like Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? It would take Boy George about a week to clear every last prisoner in U.S. custody, thereby eliminating Gitmo as an international sore spot and as a taxpayer burden.

Call it community service. After that's done, Mr. George can - no, must return to England to live a normal life as best he can. And the detainees? Well, that's always been a sticky wicket...

I'd send them to Norway.

pH 12.1o.o8