Personality Test

Times are what they always were. In the waning months of the first Bush presidency, times were tough. Money was tight, jobs were scarce, the economy wasn't worth a damn. I distinctly remember hunting for my food back then, and gardening, not to mention selling my plasma.

So here we are again. At least this time - knock on veneer - I'm in a better employment situation. Back then, one took whatever one could find, even if it meant low pay and long hours. Because I had friends, I was able to get a foot in the door at Montgomery Ward Auto Express.

I applied to be a Tire Specialist. It would be impolite to repeat some of the other names that were used to describe that job. I changed tires on cars and trucks, and did lube-oil-filters, and swapped out batteries... All the dirty, unskilled work.

Tire Specialists were also responsible for dumping the trash barrels and scrubbing the floors. It was tough, dangerous and unsatisfying, but it was employment. To get this wonderful opportunity, which paid $4.75 an hour, I actually had to take (and presumably pass) a personality test.

Anyone who has ever endured one of these things is probably just as flummoxed about it as I was. The questions made no sense at all, so I could only guess as to what might be the "correct" answers:

Would you consider yourself a marathon runner or a cross-country skier? (Neither.) Is it better to steal from a relative or a friend? (Depends on what you're stealing.) Would you rather be a clown or a bricklayer? (I don't see why I couldn't be both at the same time.)

My responses did not disqualify me from working at Montgomery Ward, and I don't regret the experience. It was hardly gainful, but I learned a lot, and have saved plenty of bread since then using the skills I acquired there. I also worked with good people, mostly, and that at least made it fun.

The personality test, though, has always stuck in my mind. What was the point? It was a lousy job that nobody else wanted. The fact that I could fill out an application should've been sufficient evidence that I was up to the task. The only real qualification seemed to be a strong back and a willingness to show up every day.

Anyway. Today, we are all prospective employers, mulling over a couple of job applications for the most important position our government offers. We've seen their resumes. We've checked their references. More than that, the 2008 presidential race has been, yes, a personality test.

Now I think I understand. Somehow, some way, John McCain and Sarah Palin have taken this thing and absolutely flunked. Nobody guessed that was even possible, or that the answers mattered, but we recognize that it has happened. It's not something we can put our finger on. It's something else.

Which would you rather have as president, a crazy fighter pilot, or a crazier moose skinner?

(Neither!)

pH 11.o1.o8